so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
