how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
