I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
