Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize