I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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