So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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