I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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