I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
