i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
