Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
