fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize