Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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