I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
