just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
