mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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