I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
