Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
