your parents love me but you hate me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
