Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
