The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
only if we run a train.
done.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
