Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize