I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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