What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
