Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
