Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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