I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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