3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
