Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize