xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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