ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
