the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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