It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
