Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
