just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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