So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
