It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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