You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
