I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
