apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
