i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my vagina is haunted
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
