I've blown a few things in my day
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
