When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
