I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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