we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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