Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize