i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
