There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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