Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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