My liver just broke up with me...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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