i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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