I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
