I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
