Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
