that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
