I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
