You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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