my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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