i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
