I cockslap morals
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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