made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
