I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
