I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
