batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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