Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
do nipples grow back?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
