def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
