I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
