I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
