im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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